I'd love to have some sympathy for what happened to Michael Kennedy, but I can't because sometimes bad things happen to bad people. When you get away with having sex with your 14-year-old babysitter, maybe you should hide from God for a little bit. Don't go tempting him by skiing and playing football at the same time.
JEFF STILSON: PUTTING A PET TO SLEEP
It's never easy putting a pet to sleep. That's why we say things like, 'We decided to put Fluffy out of his misery.' No, what you decided was that Fluffy's company isn't worth $500.
STOP OR SLOW DOWN
A car slows down at a stop sign and keeps driving. A cop sees him and pulls him over.
The cop asks, "Why didn't you stop?"
The man says, "I slowed down."
The cop pulls out his nightstick and starts beating him. "Now," the cop says, "do you want me to stop or slow down?"
MIKE MACDONALD: SUING OZZY OSBOURNE
Ozzy Osbourne is being sued for $3 million because, apparently, this boy's parents believe their boy was killed due to a song by Ozzy Osbourne, called 'Suicide Solution.' You have to admit -- off the top -- it doesn't look good for Ozzy. I'm sure his agent is going, 'Well, why don't you just call it, "Kill Yourself So Your Parents Can Sue Us"?'
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