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Fred was definitely more than a bit dumb? when his pal asked him how he had enjoyed his day at the zoo, he replied, "it was a total con! I saw a sign that said To The Monkeys, so I followed it and saw the monkeys. Then I saw another sign that said To The Bears, so I followed that and saw the bears. But when I followed a sign that said To the Exit, I found myself out on the street."
A bull and a mountain lion joke
If you had a gun and you were being chased by a bull and a mountain lion, which one would you shoot first?
The mountain lion. You can always shoot the bull!
The symbol of pig joke
If an elephant is the symbol of the Republican Party and a donkey is the symbol of the Democratic Party, what is a pig the symbol of?
A couple were going on a vacation together but the wife had an emergency at work. So they agreed the husband would go as planned and his wife would meet him at the hotel the next day.
When the husband got to his hotel and had checked in, he thought he should send his wife a quick email letting her know he’d got there ok.
As he typed in her email address, he made a typo and his email was sent to an elderly preacher’s wife whose instead. It just so happened that her husband had sadly died just the day before.
When the grieving old preacher’s wife checked her emails, she read the one from the holiday maker, let out an awful, loud, piercing scream, and fainted on the floor.
At the sound of her falling, her family rushed into the room. They tended to her and then looked at her computer and saw this email on her screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just checked in to my room. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Late one night this guy is speeding down the empty road. A cop sees him go flying past so chases him and pulls him over. The cop goes up to the car and when the man rolls down the window, he asks, “Are you aware of how fast you were going, sir?”
The man replies, “Yes I am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”
The cop looks at him disbelievingly and asks him, “Were you the one being robbed, sir?”
The man casually replies, “Oh no, I was the one who committed the robbery. I was escaping.”
The cop is shocked and surprised that the man has admitted this so freely. He says, “So you’re telling me you were speeding…AND committed a robbery?”
“Oh yes,” replies the man calmly. “I have all the loot in the back.”
The cop is now starting to get angry and says, “Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me” as he reaches into the window to take the car keys out of the ignition.
The man shouts, “Don’t do that! I’m afraid that you’ll find the gun in my glove compartment!” At this the cop pulls his hand out of the window and says, “Wait here” as he returns to his car and calls for backup.
Soon there are cars, cops and helicopters all over, everywhere you look. The man is quickly dragged out of his car, handcuffed and taken towards a cop car. However, just before he is put in the car and taken away a cop walks up to him and says, while pointing at the cop that pulled him over, “Sir, this officer tells us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we didn’t find any of these things in your car.”
The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”
An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam. The doctor says that the man needs to provide a semen sample and gives him a jar saying, “Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a semen sample.”
The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him. So the doctor asks what happened and why there is no sperm sample in the jar. The old man says, “Well, doc, it’s like this… first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand – nothing; then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Maisie, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor is really shocked by all this and asks incredulously, “You asked your neighbor???”
The old man replies, “Yep, not one of us could get the jar open.”
Once, there lived a goat named Angus. He stayed with his owners, Mr. and Mrs. Douglas. They pampered Angus like a baby. However, Angus loved chewing woollen clothes and his master and mistress scolded him for doing so. One morning, Mr. and Mrs. Douglas had to go to the market. Before leaving, they put Mr. Douglas’ favourite woollen jacket on the clothesline. “Angus, don’t chew the jacket,” warned the Douglases. Once the Douglases left, it began to pour heavily. “Oh, the coat is getting wet! I must pull it down,” thought Angus. However, even before he knew it, he was chewing the coat. When the rains stopped, Angus realised what he had done. “Oh no,” he thought, “this time they will throw me out of the house.” He decided to keep quiet about it. When the Douglases returned, Mr. Douglas asked, “Has the wind blown away my coat?” Angus promptly nodded. However, Mrs. Douglas noticed a strand of wool sticking against Angus’ chin. “Why! It’s the jacket wool,” screamed Mrs. Douglas. “So you’re the culprit,” confirmed Mr. Douglas. Poor Angus had to go without his lunch and dinner. He swore never to chew wool again.
Once there was a very snobbish lady named Gertrude who always wore yellow slippers.They were covered in rhinestones & they were made of plush velvet,She used to wear flip flops, until one day she stubbed her toe and the tip came off. So after that she started wearing slippers to hide her toe. She found the slippers at a thrift store for $2.65 plus tax. She also found a nightgown for $1.99, which she wore everywhere. Even to Walmart. One day, on her way into Walmart, the door greeter complimented her yellow slippers and asked her where she got them.She said she got them at an auction, for $6000 because they used to belong to Whoopie Goldberg.Yes,Gertrude was not only a snob, but a pathological liar.Her personality was about as unattractive as her name.
Well, as she continued toward the produce department, she git her usual load of mini cucumbers (she loved to make pickles). She also got some olive loaf,a new set of toenail clippers,Dr.Shoal’s foot powder,onions,a few cans of beans,air freshener,& some toilet paper.
Anyway,Gertrude was so used to people looking at her shoes, that she got very conceited about it. She started thinking she was better than everyone else..especially since everyone thought that Whoopie Goldberg used to own them, & that she paid top dollar for them.
