Dead Duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out Of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
cowboy wisdom
Don't name a pig you plan to eat.Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plough around the stump.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
Meanness don't happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
Don't sell your mule to buy a plough.
Don't corner something meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You can't unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Don't judge people by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.
The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
Only cows know why they stampede.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'till they get thumped.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.