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5:47 AM

WHAT NOT TO SAY AT A FUNERAL

-- I'm not convinced. I'm going to go give her a good shaking?
-- I'm sure we'll all be laughing about this in no time!
-- It's funny -- we all thought you'd be the first to go, Grandpa.
-- You know, your husband never paid back that $50 he owed

PATRICK BORELLI: ANNOYING WHEN THEY'RE SHOT

You ever notice when you shoot someone with a gun, they do two things that are really annoying? It's true. They tell you that you shot them, over and over again -- I hate that -- and then they tell you where you shot them, over and over again. They're like, 'You shot my shoulder! I can't believe you shot my shoulder! My shoulder's been hit!' And I'm like, 'That's where I was aiming.'

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