dirty old men
An elderly man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years.He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
Before he went, he grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up, he said... "I'm here to feed the alligator!"
Some old men can still think fast.
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doctor jokes
One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, Bob, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Wal-Mart He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a Doctors certificate for your employer."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for good measure.
He then went back to Wal-Mart, eager to test the computer. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.
In ten seconds the computer prints the following: "1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant --Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop fishing, your elbow will never get better."
"And, as always... Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
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Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.
One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities."
St. Peter said, "You can enter heaven."
The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO Manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care."
St. Peter said, "You can come in, too."
But, as the HMO Manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can only stay three days. After that you can go to hell."
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A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new... So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759), when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."
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A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds," the doctor assured.
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded and said, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?” he asked.
"No, from skipping!"
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5 Surgeons
The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because, when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."
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