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Cats are simply the funniest and most hilarious pets, they make us laugh all the time! Hope you like our compilation - Funny Cat 2017. Thanks for watching!
A Lord got married. After the ceremony unmarried friends went to a brothel. Unexpectedly they met the Lord there.
- Lord, what are you doing here now that you are married and have a beautiful young wife?
- Well, she was so tired that fell asleep at once. I thought it is not worth to wake her up for just a few of pounds.
Funny adult jokes - Unexpected sex
Unexpected sex – that’s a great way to wake up. If you are not in a prison…
Funny Adult jokes - Tom and his boss
n the morning Tom calls to his boss:
- Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."
The boss replies:
- You know Tom, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Bob calls:
- Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.
HE picked a buttercup, and held it up to her chin. "Do you like butter?” he asked.
“Butter!" she exclaimed. "They are not made into butter. They are made into crowns for the Queen; she has a new one every morning."
"I'll make you a crown," he said. “You shall wear it to-night."
" But where will my throne be ?" she asked.
"It shall be on the middle step of the stile by the corn-field."
So when the moon rose I went out to see.
He wore a red jacket and his cap with the feather in it. Round her head there was a wreath of buttercups; it was not much like a crown. On one side of the wreath there were some daisies, and on the other was a little bunch of blackberryblossom.
“Come and dance in the moonlight," he said ; so she climbed up and over the stile, and stood in the corn-field holding out her two hands to him. He took them in his, and then they danced round and round all down the pathway, while the wheat nodded wisely on either side, and the poppies awoke and wondered. On they went, on and on through the corn-field towards the broad green meadows stretching far into the distance. On and on, he shouting for joy, and she laughing out so merrily that the sound travelled to the edge of the wood, and the thrushes heard, and dreamed of Spring. On they went, on and on, and round and round, he in his red jacket, and she with the wild flowers dropping one by one from her wreath. On and on in the moonlight, on and on till they had danced all down the corn-field, till they had crossed the green meadows, till they were hidden in the mist beyond.
That is all I know; but I think that in the far far off somewhere, where the moon is shining, he and she still dance along a corn-field, he in his red jacket, and she with the wild flowers dropping from her hair.
"LET us write a book," they said;
“but what shall it be about ?"
"A fairy story," said the elder sister.
" A book about kings and queens," said the other.
"Oh, no," said the brother, "let's write about animals."
"We will write about them all," they cried together. So they put the paper, and pens, and ink ready. The elder sister took up a fairy story and looked at it, and put it down again.
"I have never known any fairies," she said, "except in books; but, of course, it would not do to put one book inside another anyone could do that."
"I shall not begin to-day," the little one said, “for I must know a few kings and queens before I write about them, or I may say something foolish."
"I shall write about the pig, and the pony, and the white rabbit," said the brother; "but first I must think a bit. It would never do to write a book without thinking."
Then the elder sister took up the fairy story again, to see how many things were left out, for those, she thought, would do to go into her book.
The little one said to herself, "Really, it is no good thinking about kings and queens until I have known some, so I must wait;" and while the brother was considering about the pig, and the pony, and the white rabbit, he fell asleep.
So the book is not written yet, but when it is we shall know a great deal.
Fred was definitely more than a bit dumb? when his pal asked him how he had enjoyed his day at the zoo, he replied, "it was a total con! I saw a sign that said To The Monkeys, so I followed it and saw the monkeys. Then I saw another sign that said To The Bears, so I followed that and saw the bears. But when I followed a sign that said To the Exit, I found myself out on the street."
A bull and a mountain lion joke
If you had a gun and you were being chased by a bull and a mountain lion, which one would you shoot first?
The mountain lion. You can always shoot the bull!
The symbol of pig joke
If an elephant is the symbol of the Republican Party and a donkey is the symbol of the Democratic Party, what is a pig the symbol of?
A couple were going on a vacation together but the wife had an emergency at work. So they agreed the husband would go as planned and his wife would meet him at the hotel the next day.
When the husband got to his hotel and had checked in, he thought he should send his wife a quick email letting her know he’d got there ok.
As he typed in her email address, he made a typo and his email was sent to an elderly preacher’s wife whose instead. It just so happened that her husband had sadly died just the day before.
When the grieving old preacher’s wife checked her emails, she read the one from the holiday maker, let out an awful, loud, piercing scream, and fainted on the floor.
At the sound of her falling, her family rushed into the room. They tended to her and then looked at her computer and saw this email on her screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just checked in to my room. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Late one night this guy is speeding down the empty road. A cop sees him go flying past so chases him and pulls him over. The cop goes up to the car and when the man rolls down the window, he asks, “Are you aware of how fast you were going, sir?”
The man replies, “Yes I am. I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”
The cop looks at him disbelievingly and asks him, “Were you the one being robbed, sir?”
The man casually replies, “Oh no, I was the one who committed the robbery. I was escaping.”
The cop is shocked and surprised that the man has admitted this so freely. He says, “So you’re telling me you were speeding…AND committed a robbery?”
“Oh yes,” replies the man calmly. “I have all the loot in the back.”
The cop is now starting to get angry and says, “Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me” as he reaches into the window to take the car keys out of the ignition.
The man shouts, “Don’t do that! I’m afraid that you’ll find the gun in my glove compartment!” At this the cop pulls his hand out of the window and says, “Wait here” as he returns to his car and calls for backup.
Soon there are cars, cops and helicopters all over, everywhere you look. The man is quickly dragged out of his car, handcuffed and taken towards a cop car. However, just before he is put in the car and taken away a cop walks up to him and says, while pointing at the cop that pulled him over, “Sir, this officer tells us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we didn’t find any of these things in your car.”
The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”
An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam. The doctor says that the man needs to provide a semen sample and gives him a jar saying, “Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a semen sample.”
The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him. So the doctor asks what happened and why there is no sperm sample in the jar. The old man says, “Well, doc, it’s like this… first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand – nothing; then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Maisie, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor is really shocked by all this and asks incredulously, “You asked your neighbor???”
The old man replies, “Yep, not one of us could get the jar open.”
Bill is putting his young daughter to bed one night and as he walks out the bedroom door he hears her saying her prayers. She says, “God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa.”
Bill rushes back into her bedroom and asks her, “Why did you say the last part?” His daughter replies, “Because I needed to.” The next day, grandpa dies of a heart attack. Bill is worried about his daughter but thinks, “It must just be a sad coincidence.”
That night he tucks his daughter into bed again and once again he hears her saying her prayers. She says, “God bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma.” Bill is now really worried and thinking to himself, “Can my daughter really see into the future?” The next day, grandma dies and now Bill is convinced his daughter can predict the future.
For the rest of the week nothing happens, but on the Sunday night as Bill leaves his daughter’s bedroom he waits outside and listens for any more prayers. Sure enough, he hears her say, “God bless you mommy, rest in peace daddy.” Now Bill is really panicking and thinking, ‘”Oh God, I’m going to die tomorrow!”
The following day Bill is in a complete mess all day in work; a real nervous wreck. He constantly checks the clock, looks around the room and is on edge all the time expecting to die at any moment. He is so nervous that he doesn’t leave the office until it’s past midnight. Once it turns midnight he says to himself with relief, “How is this possible? I should be dead!” He goes home and walks into the house to find his wife sitting on the sofa with a scared look on her face. She asks him, “Where have you been? What took you so long?”
Bill replies, “Listen honey, today I haven’t had the best of days” and he is just about to tell her what has happened when she starts crying and bursts out, “I saw the mailman die yesterday!”
Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, “Ethel, you know that I’d love to go for a ride in that helicopter.” But Ethel would always reply, “I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, “Ethel, you know I’m 87 years old now. If I don’t ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance.” Once again Ethel replied, “Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”
This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple’s conversation and said, “Listen folks, I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won’t charge you! But if you say just one word, it’s 50 dollars.”
Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn’t so much as one word said. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, “Wow! I’ve got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn’t. I’m really impressed!”
Walter replied, “Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!”
A. man was going through a forest. He was tired and sat under a tree to rest.
Near the tree were some bushes. In the bushes he heard a whistle. The man got up and went to look. He saw a bottle lying under a bush. The whistle was coming from inside the bottle.
The man opened the bottle to look inside. Immediately a lot of black smoke came out from the bottle. The smoke rose high in the sky. Then the smoke turned into a ghost. It was a big ghost, as tall as a tree.
The ghost was red in colour. He had red eyes, and large golden earrings in his ears. He roared, “Give me some work or I shall eat you up.” The man was very frightened. “W-what sort of work do you want ?” he asked the ghost.
“Any kind of work,” the ghost replied. “You have let me out from the bottle, so you have to give me work to do. I must keep working, day and night. The moment you stop giving me work, I shall eat you up.”
“Take me to my house,” the man said. The ghost picked up the man. In half a second he reached the man’s house. Again he said, “Give me some work to do or I shall eat you up.” “Make me a big palace,” the man said.
In a few minutes the palace was ready. The ghost again said loudly, “Give me some work or I shall eat you up.”
“Get me plenty of gold and jewels,” the man said. Soon the gold and jewels were there. “Give me some work or I shall eat you up,” the ghost said.
“Get me nice clothes to wear.” At once the ghost brought the clothes. “Give me some work or I shall eat you up,” the ghost said.
“Get me some food.” In a second the man found the table loaded with delicious food. He tried to eat, but he got no time. The ghost again said, “Give me some work or I shall eat you up.”
The man kept on giving work to the ghost. He could not eat at all. When night came the ghost would not let him sleep. “Give me some work or I shall eat you up,” he said.
The man got very worried. How could he eat ? How could he sleep? If he did not find more and more work, the ghost would eat him up.
Then the man had an idea. He told the ghost, “Make me a tall pillar, as high as the sky. And be quick.”
In just a few minutes the ghost was back. “The pillar is ready,” he said. “Now give me some work or I shall eat you up.”
“Now listen carefully,” the man said. “Climb up the pillar till you reach the top. Then climb down till you reach the earth. Then climb up to the top and come down again. Keep on doing so till I tell you to stop. And mind you don’t waste anytime.”
The ghost was very happy, for he now had plenty to do. He went up the pillar, came down, went up, came down. He went on doing so.
The man watched for some time. Then he went inside and ate the food the ghost had brought. After that he went off to sleep.
Next morning he got up and went outside. He saw the ghost going up and down the pillar all the time. The man was very happy.
Many days passed. The ghost kept on going up and down the pillar. At the end of a month he was still doing it. He now felt a little tired. “Please sir,” he said to the man, “may I stop now ? I have been going up and down the pillar for a month.”
“How can you stop ?” the man said. “You cannot stop till I tell you. So keep on going up and down the pillar.”
Another three months passed. Now the ghost was really tired. “Sir,” he said, “I can’t do it any more. I must stop now.”
“You can stop on one condition,” the man said. You must go away from here, and never come back.”
“I promise,” the ghost said.
“Very well, you may stop now. And take away that pillar with you.”
The ghost picked up the pillar and ran away. The man never saw him again.
One fine day, a dirty pig was soaking himself in a pool. A thirsty lion came to drink water, but unable to bear the heavy stench went away. The foolish pig thought that the lion cowed down seeing him and excitedly challenged him to a duel. “Maybe tomorrow,” replied the lion and turned away from the smelly pig. The pig went h6me and told his parents how he had challenged a coward lion. “What have you done you, foolish pig? It’s not you but your stench that made him run away,” explained his father. The dirty pig’s excitement crashed instantly. His father suggested that he should leisurely roll in the dirty waters so that he might stink even more and then meet the lion. The pig listened to his father. As soon as the lion approached him, the foul smell spread around and he ran away unable to bear it. Since then, pigs always keep themselves dirty so that no animal might come near them.
Once, there lived a goat named Angus. He stayed with his owners, Mr. and Mrs. Douglas. They pampered Angus like a baby. However, Angus loved chewing woollen clothes and his master and mistress scolded him for doing so. One morning, Mr. and Mrs. Douglas had to go to the market. Before leaving, they put Mr. Douglas’ favourite woollen jacket on the clothesline. “Angus, don’t chew the jacket,” warned the Douglases. Once the Douglases left, it began to pour heavily. “Oh, the coat is getting wet! I must pull it down,” thought Angus. However, even before he knew it, he was chewing the coat. When the rains stopped, Angus realised what he had done. “Oh no,” he thought, “this time they will throw me out of the house.” He decided to keep quiet about it. When the Douglases returned, Mr. Douglas asked, “Has the wind blown away my coat?” Angus promptly nodded. However, Mrs. Douglas noticed a strand of wool sticking against Angus’ chin. “Why! It’s the jacket wool,” screamed Mrs. Douglas. “So you’re the culprit,” confirmed Mr. Douglas. Poor Angus had to go without his lunch and dinner. He swore never to chew wool again.
Once upon a time there lived a girl called Maya . One day when she came home from school she went straight to her mother and said ” Mummy , today my teacher punished me for something I didn’t do . The mother was very angry and went straight to her teacher and scolded her , but she didn’t ask Maya what she didn’t do.
when she came home she said “I scolded your your teacher nicely for just scolding you ” then she asked “by the way Maya what is that you didn’t do her mother asked “My homework” said Maya.
The Brahmin and the Crooks
In a village, there lived a poor Brahmin priest.He was pious, dutiful and very superstitious.
One day, the Brahmin left for a neighbouring Village to collect a gift that he had been promised from a rich landlord. Finishing his job in the neighbouring village, he was on his way back carrying his gift-a fat and healthy goat on his shoulders.
Three hungry crooks crossed his path. They saw the healthy goat on the Brahmin’s shoulders and whispered, “That is a very plump goat. Let us trick the Brahmin and take the goat away. We can then make a tasty dish out of it”
They soon made a plan. The three of them went in separate ways.
The first one stopped the Brahmin and exclaimed in horror, “Oh my god! Such a respected priest and carrying a dog on his shoulders? Don’t you know that it is a sin to touch a dog, or a rooster, or a donkey?”
The Brahmin lost his temper. “You stupid fellow, are you blind? Can’t you see it is a goat, not a dog?”
“Don’t be angry,” replied the first crook. “If you think it is not a dog, then please carry on. But isn’t it ridiculous that you are carrying a dog?”
The Brahmin hardly walked a few more yards when the second crook stopped the Brahmin and looked at him in shock.
`How can a reputed priest like you carry a dead calf on the shoulder?” exclaimed the crook.
The Brahmin yelled, “Are you blind too? This is a healthy and live goat and you say he is a dead calf. You are an ignorant fool!”
“All right, sir,” said the second crook. “Please forgive me. Do as you please.”
“What’s wrong with everyone?” wondered the furious Brahmin as he hurried towards his home. “The whole world has gone mad?”
Now it was the turn of the third crook to the Brahmin’s path. “Sir, why are you carrying a donkey on your shoulders? It is going to bring you misfortune.”
Now the Brahmin was confused. Three people have said that the goat was something else. “Have I been given a ghost that keeps changing into a dog, a dead calf or a donkey!” he wondered. “I don’t want this creature.”
“Before it turns into something else, I better get rid of it.” Confused and scared, he threw the goat to the ground and took to his heels.
Coming out of their hiding place, the crooks took the goat and laughed at the stupidity of the Brahmin. Listening to others blindly, he got duped.
